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by vox nihili

Published December 26, 2008

In works

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Comments & reviews · 4
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Prospekt42
Review
Prospekt42 wrote a review Review · Jan 6, 2009

I thought that this poem was great! I cannot imagine how hard it must be living with Tourette's, but this poem gives a wonderful bitter-sweet insight into the thoughts of someone with this disease. You got your points across well, without it feeling like the poem was too long.

The only error I noticed was towards the end where you accidentally misspelled 'attention'. Other than that, everything was spot on!

Keep writing!

-Prospekt

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nickelodeon
Review
nickelodeon wrote a review Review · Dec 28, 2008

I thought it was really good, especially in that it does a good job explaining the disease from the perspective of someone who has it. It was well done in that it got your point across (living with Tourrette's) without sounding like a text book. It was easy to sympathize and see where you were coming from. So, nice writing.

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Emerson
Review
Emerson wrote a review Review · Dec 26, 2008

Hey Vox! First off, I'd like to ask you please not to bump your poetry. By "bump" I mean posting after yourself and saying, "I've had no reviews yet!" It's impolite to others because it moves your thread up, and it is spamming. Don't worry, it is just a warning. :) Reviews take time, and given that you posted this on Christmas day, a very busy day, and didn't even wait 24 hours, you're being impatient for your reviews to come. If you haven't received a review in a week or so, then I suggest you ask some people who frequent the section if they would kindly look at your poem. Be polite when you ask! And you just might get your review. But, please, be patient and don't bump!

Also, before I review the poem, don't take anything I say the wrong way, please? :D I might sound harsh, but I'm being harsh on the poem, not harsh on you. I have sympathy for you, and a hug you through the internet! But that doesn't mean I'm going to sugar coat my review.

Now! To the review. First of all, this is incredebly long. Long poems aren't bad, but you also scattered your ideas. You have several pieces of this poem:

1. List of symptoms
2. Never meeting others like this
3. "We are people"

Now, long poems aren't bad, but they generally stay with the same theme throughout the whole poem no matter what the length. (See The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Elliot for an example of a somewhat lengthy poem.) You've covered three ideas here. You can change subject - but you need to have one central theme. If you want to write about all these topics, why not have three seperate poems? These are all great ideas. A poem which vividly and with imagery displays symptoms and grieves for them, with which the reader can be placed into yours shoes, the plight of not knowing others like yourself and feeling alone, the great desire to be healed and seen on the same level. However great they are, when they're put all in one poem they crowd each other and aren't allowed to come to their full power. Try to condense your idea into one thing. If you free right, when you're done read it and try to see how many ideas you have in there. You can have many, but they should all serve the same theme. If they don't, perhaps you have two, or three, or four poems waiting for you! It's something to consider. Sticking to one theme and developing just that will strengthen your ideas.

My other thought is that you do a lot of telling, and as it is you're more venting about your condition than doing anything to affect the reader, and given the subject matter, you can cause a huge effect. This could be a tear-jerker, but it's not. Adding emotion to poetry is incredebly hard, but it's doable. (I wrote an article on this a while ago. It might not be that great now, but if you can find it, you might want to read it!) My biggest suggestion would be to read more poetry, to see how other poets evoke emotions. You could start with the poem I talked about earlier, Prufrock, although it is a bit confusing. Think about how the poem makes you feel, and how it does this. An awful lot goes into poetry: word choice, rhyme, rhythm, sound devices, imagery, blah blah blah. If you used these to your advantage, you can bring the reader to tears, or more importantly, you can open them to your world, and through that you won't be alone anymore. It's hard, trust me, I still struggle with these kinds of things, but even getting a small tiny bit better at these sort of things is so rewarding. Poetry is the hardest form of writing, keep this in mind, but it can be done. :D

If you have any questions about anything I said above, because I did say a lot, feel free to message me! Best of luck.

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vox nihili
Comment
vox nihili commented Comment · Dec 26, 2008

sorry.



I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief